Some Deep Christmas Thoughts

When I was growing up, I knew that Dec. 25th was close when the Christmas music made its way to my ears. My family played songs like "White Christmas", "Let It Snow", "Silent Night". Classics. Timeless. Solid music. A happy childhood full of great holiday music.

But then something happened in 1979... something that changed Christmas music, and my life, forever....

Paul McCartney released "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time".

Cunt.

What an amazing piece of shyte this is. It definitely qualifies for an ass-kicking.

And then we got "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer". Hey, I've got a great idea! I'll write a song about my grandmother being killed by a reindeer. Yep, fucking run over by a reindeer. Massive head trauma resulting in death. Sounds like a great XMas song to me! Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure all of those people who have lost family members to a deer through the windshield were pretty pleased with this crapsterpiece.

And Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"... Learn how to sing.

To all of you out there who think that these songs are OK because they're about Christmas - I have a lovely four minute tape of a rhinocerous taking uno dumpo explosivo over a drum beat. In the last second of this song I utter the word "reindeer", so it's definitely an XMas song, very ChristmASSy. I rate it higher than all of the above turd casseroles. If you don't like it, well you're just missing the holiday spirit. Lighten up, Scrooge.

Just because a song is about Christmas doesn't give it permission to suck ass or annoy the shit out of me. Now, more than ever, we need the Music Police - a watchdog organization in charge of quality control at all record labels. Hefty fines and public ass-kickings for noncompliance.

And just one more thing - is there anyone on this planet who actually likes the Manheim Steamroller Orchestra, or whatever that train wreck is called? As far as I'm concerned that crap they produce violates the damn Geneva Convention. They should put that shit on loudspeakers in hostage situations.

And to all a good night. Merry Christmas.